My journaling today is a little poetic, but that is better than chaotic.
I would like to hear You God
I would like to know what You think
I would like to understand
Recognize Your tiniest blink
I would like to know You God
In very personal ways
I want casual conversations
I want visits every day
I want to be in Your Presence
In a 24/7 way.
In cleaning up the other day, I ran across several old journals. I thought about just tossing them out since they were probably filled with a bunch of nonsense or whining prayers about whatever was going on back then. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to read a little bit before I trashed them. After all, I just might have noted a dream or something interesting that I had forgotten.
According to the entries, these were times I did not know what was next or what I should do. I realized as I read, I could have written some of these same words today.
I said to God, “It seems I am still struggling with some of these same types of issues today. These journals are years old. What does this say about me?” I did not get an answer, so I continued to read.
I began to realize the troubling circumstances were very different then than now. The similarity was in the prayers. My heart and soul were crying out for the very same things I want today. The reason it sounded so familiar was not that I had learned nothing and was repeating the same issues over and over years later. My longing for a deeper, more personal relationship with God was the cry of my heart which I had poured out on paper.
The things I had written surprised me. I remembered feeling so weak and faithless. I remember thinking I might not make it as a Christian. The trials were driving me to cling even more desperately to God. My own strength was not enough. It was in these very times like this that I had learned to trust God. These times were the stepping stones on a journey that led me to where I am today.
I learned about spiritual warfare in times like these. I found God faithful through every event and every emotion. These journals were living proof that God was drawing me, teaching me, saving me, changing me, bringing me to complete reliance on Him.
I have always wanted to be like David, a man/woman after God’s own heart. I am often closer to being like David in messing up and getting into trouble, but in it all, my heart cries out for God and His will in my life. I remember that going my own way brings trouble and heartache, but choosing Him and His purpose, even when I do not understand, leads to victory and growth.
Circumstances come and go; situations change. Each looks daunting when we are in the middle of all the turmoil and the not knowing what to do. One of my journals has an entry where I had written about God being my high tower and I could run into Him and be safe. God gave me a picture to go with that scripture that day, and I wrote it down. I use that revelation over and over now, without even thinking about it.
My journals told my heart story, my constant hunger and longing for God. They also told of how He had seen me through years of situations that were major issues then, but just reminders of His faithfulness now.
We began 2019 with prayer and fasting, crying out for closeness to God in this year like no other year before. The scripture in Hosea 2:14 was quoted more than once during that week of services and it stuck with me. God said He would speak to her in the desert or wilderness . . . He would speak tenderly to her and restore her. I plan to remind myself of this every time I feel I am going through tough times. I plan to listen carefully for God to speak lovingly, tenderly to me. Then, I plan to write it down because some day I, or someone else, just might need to read it and be reminded of God’s goodness.
“Oh God, I want more of You than I want anything else.” I am writing that in my journal today because it is my heart’s cry. I need to remember feeling this way. I need to write it in bold dark ink. I need to be reminded just how deeply I felt today and perhaps refer to it sometime in the future.
Journaling and prayer go together like Praise, Worship, and Prayer for me. It is one of the areas where I am battled the hardest. Time management is not my greatest gift. However, I need this; I know I need it, I need it for me. This is who I am, this is where I thrive. God has put in me a desire to write since I was a little girl. I need a DVR in my brain to record the things I think, and I know they need to be written down.
I do not write precise understandable lessons like the people I admire and love reading their “stuff”. I am more of a story teller, a communicator. This is the way I talk to God too. I am glad He likes me. Just as I am.
I want to be with God and record what He is saying to me. I am expecting to have good things to write because He is going to speak tenderly and lovingly to me while in and out of the tough times.
2019 for me is a time that God is calling me to be His little girl, His favored one. This is something very different than anything I have ever known. This is a new walk with God. I am . . . expecting. I am not sure what exactly, but I am excited . . . and expecting. Imagine reading that in an old journal. LOL! I wonder how far I will have progressed when today is old journal news.
If I could influence those around me with anything valuable besides knowing God and building a personal relationship with Him, it would be to read God’s word, write down what it says to you and pour your heart out on paper.
God is. God is faithful. God is interested in me. He is also interested in you. Every experience is a step in the pathway to a priceless relationship with God even when it is hard, even when it hurts, even when we fail, fall, or royally mess up. Save the memories and see how God moves you along toward Him.
I put the old journals back on the shelf. I may need to visit them again someday.